Tuesday, March 29, 2011

if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die.

LOBSTERFEST 2011 · My favorite part of the book, “How the Grinch Stole Lobsterfest!” is when the Grinch's stomach grows three sizes larger once he realizes Lobsterfest is really about more than just lobster. · I feel like Lobsterfest has become way too commercial, mostly because I've seen way too many commercials for Lobsterfest. · I have a great idea for a Lobsterfest movie. Tim Allen is forced to work in a Red Lobster after he accidently kills the lead cook in a freak accident. Now he has to keep this secret from his family while trying to convince his son that Lobsterfest is real. And the name of the movie will be "The Lobster Claws" just in case you didn't see that coming. · This Lobsterfest, when you can’t find the perfect gift for the guy who has everything, may I suggest lobster. · Isn’t it embarrassing when you wish someone a merry Lobsterfest then they tell you that they’re vegetarian? · Last night I was visited by three ghosts; the ghost of Lobsterfest Past, the ghost of Lobsterfest Present, and the Ghost of Lobsterfest Future. They showed me how thin I was, how fat I have become and how I’ll die from a heart attack if I don’t change my ways. · Once you become a parent, you realize Lobsterfest is all about the kids. · Every time I see homeless people eating out of a garbage can together as a family, I remember the true meaning of Lobsterfest. · I swear they are putting up the Lobsterfest decorations earlier and earlier every year, I mean it was just Toyotathon for Lobster’s sake. · Don’t you hate when Lobsterfest songs get stuck in your head?! · Lobsterfest isn’t about receiving lobster, it’s about giving lobster. · There’s something magical about Lobsterfest in New York City. · I just wanted to remind everyone that Lobsterfest isn’t about the “fest,” it’s about the lobster.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

This is worse than your song about Mr. T.

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was a Senator and I was eating a giant marshmallow. Then when I woke up this morning my pillow was missing and there was a dead hooker in my bed.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

This enormous woman will devour us all! Aah!

Some mornings when it is freezing cold and snowing - like today - I need more motivation for the two mile walk from the train station to my office. I see all the homeless people sleeping around the Capitol Building here in DC and I tell myself, “I can’t believe I’m bitching about a short walk to my nice warm office while these sad, poor people are sleeping in the cold and snow. I guess I have it pretty good after all. I need to count my blessings and never forget that I’m better than those filthy, disgusting bums.”

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Ah, Squiddy! I got nothing against ye.

In a perfect world, not only would Steve Perry still be the lead singer of Journey, but every night would be Taco Night.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

I made millions in software and lost it at the track

A brazillionaire is a woman who spends way too much money on waxing.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Something something, Burt Ward...

Thursday night I went out with my flag football team to a bar on the other side of town. When I was there I ran into the guy who was rented my condo before me. I haven’t seen him for 2 years and I didn’t recognize him at first when I saw him again. This guy and his wife lived in my condo for about a year before he got her pregnant and had to move to a bigger place. Although my condo is pretty big, it’s not big enough for a family.

This has nothing to do with the size of my condo, there is a story here, I promise.

The day I moved in my sister, Rev. Jim, Curt and Rich were over helping me get my place together. This guy and his wife showed up and asked if they had left anything behind. It was unusual, but there was some stuff. My sister gave them a box of kitchen utensils that they left in one of the kitchen cabinets. They looked at each other, said thanks and left.

The next day when I was doing laundry I opened the dryer and found an entire load of women’s underwear that they had left behind. I think that was what they stopped by to get the previous day, but didn’t know how to tactfully ask me abut the unmentionables with all the people unpacking boxes in my condo. Slightly embarrassed, I gathered up the panties and bras from the dryer, threw them into a trash bag and emailed the guy saying I found some more stuff that they left behind.

He didn’t get back to me for a few days, and in the meantime I had taken all my trash from the move to the curb to be thrown out. Accidentally, one of the bags I threw out was the trash bag full of his wife’s panties and bras.

So when the guy emailed me back, I panicked. I realized I didn’t say what it was that I had, so I told him that I had a stack of his mail and that he could come and pick it up if he wanted. When he stopped by I handed him a stack of random junk mail… crap that I could tell he wasn’t interested in.

Anyway, I secretly suspect that this guy knows about his wife’s underwear and he must think that I’m some kind of pervert that collects women panties like some kind of sexually deviant Japanese businessman. It was uncomfortable running into him the other night, almost as uncomfortable as a sexually deviant Japanese businessman who is wearing women's panites.