She told my baby we'd danced 'till three. Then she looked at me. Then showed a photo of a baby cryin'. His eyes were like mine. Come on dance on the floor in the round.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.
Adriana Lima has a baby girl.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Hey, landlord! Some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door, and put on an eviction notice!
At what point does liking Brazilian lingerie models become a fetish?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I stand on my record. Fifteen crashes and not a single fatality.
My dad wanted to go car shopping with me. It was against my better judgment, but I took him with me anyway – I love my dad, but he’s getting weirder as he’s getting older. We went to a few dealers and drove a few different kinds of cars. He heard squeaks and rattles in every car I test drove. For a guy who lost 50% of his hearing over the past few years, he was able to hear sounds I wasn’t able to hear.
While I was driving he pushed every button and flipped every switch. He shook every handle and tugged every latch possible. I know he’s trying to make sure I don’t buy another shitty car, but he was going overboard.
I had just driven a Honda Accord and told my dad that this was the car I was going to buy.
When we got out of the car at the dealer’s lot he told me to pop the hood. We both stood there staring at the engine and other internal parts of the car without any idea about what we were staring at.
“What am I looking for?” I asked.
Dad said, “You want to see if the people who drove this car before you abused the engine.”
We stood there for another minute staring blankly at the parts under the hood before I asked.
“Dad, when did you become this car’s court appointed social worker?”
While I was driving he pushed every button and flipped every switch. He shook every handle and tugged every latch possible. I know he’s trying to make sure I don’t buy another shitty car, but he was going overboard.
I had just driven a Honda Accord and told my dad that this was the car I was going to buy.
When we got out of the car at the dealer’s lot he told me to pop the hood. We both stood there staring at the engine and other internal parts of the car without any idea about what we were staring at.
“What am I looking for?” I asked.
Dad said, “You want to see if the people who drove this car before you abused the engine.”
We stood there for another minute staring blankly at the parts under the hood before I asked.
“Dad, when did you become this car’s court appointed social worker?”
Thursday, October 29, 2009
We salute you, our half-inflated Dark Lord!
I've been shopping for a new car. Let me share my 5 tips for buying a new car: 1. Fuel efficiency, insurance rates and repair costs should be a factor in your decision. These are the hidden costs of any car you purchase. I have found that other hidden costs will include multiple drunk driving tickets, attorney's fees, and alcohol management classes. 2. Shop around! Or, if you are too lazy to shop around, go to the dealer that advertises on your local TV station with the catchiest jingle or features your favorite local professional athlete...well... unless the local professional athlete in the commercial lied to Congress about using steroids or was wanted for murder. Now that I think about it, don't go to any car dealership endorsed by any athlete playing in Baltimore. Just go to the dealer with the catchiest jingle or drive to DC. 3. Remember, as a man, the car you drive doesn't just represent your financial status, it represents your masculinity. So buy the most expensive and largest car possible. That way women will know that you are rich and have a giant penis. And if that convince the ladies, drive around nude with a suitcase full of $100 bills. 4. Safety is an important factor in buying a new car for some shoppers. However I since I have sex with prostitutes at the Greyhound Bus station without wearing a condom, I'm not going to preach to you about safety and I will preach to you about the importance of penicillin in another blog entry. 5. Zero percent financing and dealer incentives are just gimmicks to lure the uneducated car shopper into the showroom. Avoid shopping with gimmicky dealers and only buy a car from reputable dealers with giant inflatable animals in front of their showroom. Who can't trust a dealer with a pair of 20 foot gorillas in front of their showroom? Not me! |
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
It cost me 50,000 Bazooka Joe comics!
The eleven most rocking-est months after Rocktober:
1. Rockvember
2. Rockcember
3. Rocknuary
4. Rockruary
5. Rockarch
6. Rockpril
7. May Zeppelin
8. Rockune
9. Rockuly
10. Rockugust
11. Rocktember
1. Rockvember
2. Rockcember
3. Rocknuary
4. Rockruary
5. Rockarch
6. Rockpril
7. May Zeppelin
8. Rockune
9. Rockuly
10. Rockugust
11. Rocktember
Monday, October 19, 2009
I have a steady job and a lucrative hobby filing nuisance lawsuits
Saturday I went to the University of Maryland for a tailgate party the football game. It sucked. It was cold and wet... then the Terps lost to UVA. Fuck UVA. It is the only school that denied my admissions application in 1992. I’ve held a grudge against those fuckers ever since.
My plan was to skip the trip if it was cold and raining, but I had a few old frat-boys talk me into it and I dressed warm and went against my best judgment. What was I thinking?! I should have gone straight to Bentleys.
The tailgating was fun. We met up with about 12 guys from Delt. Me and the two other guys I drove down with polished of a 30-pack of Miller Lite in about 2 and a half hours. We were given a few beers from the other guys to sneak into the stadium from the guys who were going to skip the game and head home. When we went to the game the stands were empty except our group of 6 old Delts. The ushers didn’t give a shit about the beers. No one was there. Everyone else had enough sense to stay inside when it’s cold and raining. It's nice to be a die-hard Terps fan, it is not nice to die from hyperthermia. And I came pretty close to doing that on Saturday.
Anyway, the game sucked. Maryland lost. And today I still feel like shit.
But I still had a great time. Go figure.
For no reason, here is a photo of Adriana Lima.
My plan was to skip the trip if it was cold and raining, but I had a few old frat-boys talk me into it and I dressed warm and went against my best judgment. What was I thinking?! I should have gone straight to Bentleys.
The tailgating was fun. We met up with about 12 guys from Delt. Me and the two other guys I drove down with polished of a 30-pack of Miller Lite in about 2 and a half hours. We were given a few beers from the other guys to sneak into the stadium from the guys who were going to skip the game and head home. When we went to the game the stands were empty except our group of 6 old Delts. The ushers didn’t give a shit about the beers. No one was there. Everyone else had enough sense to stay inside when it’s cold and raining. It's nice to be a die-hard Terps fan, it is not nice to die from hyperthermia. And I came pretty close to doing that on Saturday.
Anyway, the game sucked. Maryland lost. And today I still feel like shit.
But I still had a great time. Go figure.
For no reason, here is a photo of Adriana Lima.
You're forgetting the first two noble truths of the Buddha
I’ve tried for the longest time possible to try to keep my piece of shit car alive. I did a pretty good job keeping an American made economy car road worthy for the past 14 years. My car doesn’t have air conditioning, it hesitates to start when it is wet and will not start in the rain, the AM/FM radio barely works, the trunk lock is broken so the trunk is useless, the shocks and struts are dead so it rides like a go-cart, the seats are uncomfortable and make your back hurt, and now, after all these years, the clutch is broken and my car can’t go into reverse or 1st gear. Rather than fix the most obvious issue – the clutch – I have decided it is time to buy a new car.
The cons for buying a new car are that, for reasons unknown, still gets about 40 miles per gallon (which is why it didn’t qualify for “Cash for Clunkers”). Also, since I moved downtown, I really don’t drive except to visit friends and family outside Baltimore and to go to the supermarket.
So I am going to go car shopping this weekend. The good news is I’m not in a rush to buy anything, so I can shop around and test-drive a bunch of cars. This should be fun. In case this doesn't sound like fun to you, I have included a photo of Brazilian super-model, Adriana Lima.
The cons for buying a new car are that, for reasons unknown, still gets about 40 miles per gallon (which is why it didn’t qualify for “Cash for Clunkers”). Also, since I moved downtown, I really don’t drive except to visit friends and family outside Baltimore and to go to the supermarket.
So I am going to go car shopping this weekend. The good news is I’m not in a rush to buy anything, so I can shop around and test-drive a bunch of cars. This should be fun. In case this doesn't sound like fun to you, I have included a photo of Brazilian super-model, Adriana Lima.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I can feel her sweet country soul in every digitally-encoded bit
Just so you get it correct, it isn’t that I don’t want to blog, it’s just that I don’t have time to blog. You see my cushy government job doesn’t give me free time to do the fun things that other people get to do at work, such as check out their fantasy football teams, look for porn, or even illegally down load music/movies from Russian sites. No, when I’m at work I have to work. This is why I blame you all for voting for government accountability. Now I have to produce things to justify my ridiculous salary. Damn Democrats.
Anyway, Saturday was a great day. Rev. Jim came over and we went to the Baltimore Comic Book Convention, and yes I have some photos I will post later. Unlike the Philly convention center, the Baltimore convention center has low ceilings and is poorly ventilated. We arrived early but before too long, the stench of nerds was too overpowering and we had to leave the building. We were there for less than an hour.
It was almost noon, and we both were hungry, so we went to Federal Hill for lunch. We got subs and a few beers. Then the bartender gave us a few shots... then a few more... and the next thing I knew it was 11:00 at night and I was pretty drunk. Eleven hours of binge drinking was just what I needed.
During this time Rev. Jim and I saw about 15 college football games, discussed the history of modern music, and invented the Mexican Astronaut. The Mexican Astronaut is 2 ounces of rail tequila, 2 ounces of Red Bull and a spoon-full of powered Tang drink mix (stir well and serve chilled). Also we drank a lot of Patron Café. That stuff rocks. It tastes like candy.
I don’t know why but when we left the bar we both had the same issue, both my and Rev. Jim’s elbows were blistered and sore from resting them on the bar for several hours. I don’t know if it is possible to catch syphilis from a bar, but that’s what my elbows look like -- and this is Baltimore -- so you never know. So if you see me at the free clinic with scabby elbows, you'll know why I'm there this time.
Anyway, Saturday was a great day. Rev. Jim came over and we went to the Baltimore Comic Book Convention, and yes I have some photos I will post later. Unlike the Philly convention center, the Baltimore convention center has low ceilings and is poorly ventilated. We arrived early but before too long, the stench of nerds was too overpowering and we had to leave the building. We were there for less than an hour.
It was almost noon, and we both were hungry, so we went to Federal Hill for lunch. We got subs and a few beers. Then the bartender gave us a few shots... then a few more... and the next thing I knew it was 11:00 at night and I was pretty drunk. Eleven hours of binge drinking was just what I needed.
During this time Rev. Jim and I saw about 15 college football games, discussed the history of modern music, and invented the Mexican Astronaut. The Mexican Astronaut is 2 ounces of rail tequila, 2 ounces of Red Bull and a spoon-full of powered Tang drink mix (stir well and serve chilled). Also we drank a lot of Patron Café. That stuff rocks. It tastes like candy.
I don’t know why but when we left the bar we both had the same issue, both my and Rev. Jim’s elbows were blistered and sore from resting them on the bar for several hours. I don’t know if it is possible to catch syphilis from a bar, but that’s what my elbows look like -- and this is Baltimore -- so you never know. So if you see me at the free clinic with scabby elbows, you'll know why I'm there this time.
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