The Man who Knew too Much

if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die.

2011-03-29T13:08:00.002-04:00

LOBSTERFEST 2011 · My favorite part of the book, “How the Grinch Stole Lobsterfest!” is when the Grinch's stomach grows three sizes larger once he realizes Lobsterfest is really about more than just lobster. · I feel like Lobsterfest has become way too commercial, mostly because I've seen way too many commercials for Lobsterfest. · I have a great idea for a Lobsterfest movie. Tim Allen is forced to work in a Red Lobster after he accidently kills the lead cook in a freak accident. Now he has to keep this secret from his family while trying to convince his son that Lobsterfest is real. And the name of the movie will be "The Lobster Claws" just in case you didn't see that coming. · This Lobsterfest, when you can’t find the perfect gift for the guy who has everything, may I suggest lobster. · Isn’t it embarrassing when you wish someone a merry Lobsterfest then they tell you that they’re vegetarian? · Last night I was visited by three ghosts; the ghost of Lobsterfest Past, the ghost of Lobsterfest Present, and the Ghost of Lobsterfest Future. They showed me how thin I was, how fat I have become and how I’ll die from a heart attack if I don’t change my ways. · Once you become a parent, you realize Lobsterfest is all about the kids. · Every time I see homeless people eating out of a garbage can together as a family, I remember the true meaning of Lobsterfest. · I swear they are putting up the Lobsterfest decorations earlier and earlier every year, I mean it was just Toyotathon for Lobster’s sake. · Don’t you hate when Lobsterfest songs get stuck in your head?! · Lobsterfest isn’t about receiving lobster, it’s about giving lobster. · There’s something magical about Lobsterfest in New York City. · I just wanted to remind everyone that Lobsterfest isn’t about the “fest,” it’s about the lobster.

This is worse than your song about Mr. T.

2011-02-10T14:29:00.001-05:00

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was a Senator and I was eating a giant marshmallow. Then when I woke up this morning my pillow was missing and there was a dead hooker in my bed.

This enormous woman will devour us all! Aah!

2011-01-26T09:34:00.001-05:00

Some mornings when it is freezing cold and snowing - like today - I need more motivation for the two mile walk from the train station to my office. I see all the homeless people sleeping around the Capitol Building here in DC and I tell myself, “I can’t believe I’m bitching about a short walk to my nice warm office while these sad, poor people are sleeping in the cold and snow. I guess I have it pretty good after all. I need to count my blessings and never forget that I’m better than those filthy, disgusting bums.”

Ah, Squiddy! I got nothing against ye.

2011-01-06T08:41:00.003-05:00

In a perfect world, not only would Steve Perry still be the lead singer of Journey, but every night would be Taco Night.

I made millions in software and lost it at the track

2011-01-05T14:00:00.002-05:00

A brazillionaire is a woman who spends way too much money on waxing.

Something something, Burt Ward...

2011-01-04T09:21:00.002-05:00

Thursday night I went out with my flag football team to a bar on the other side of town. When I was there I ran into the guy who was rented my condo before me. I haven’t seen him for 2 years and I didn’t recognize him at first when I saw him again. This guy and his wife lived in my condo for about a year before he got her pregnant and had to move to a bigger place. Although my condo is pretty big, it’s not big enough for a family.

This has nothing to do with the size of my condo, there is a story here, I promise.

The day I moved in my sister, Rev. Jim, Curt and Rich were over helping me get my place together. This guy and his wife showed up and asked if they had left anything behind. It was unusual, but there was some stuff. My sister gave them a box of kitchen utensils that they left in one of the kitchen cabinets. They looked at each other, said thanks and left.

The next day when I was doing laundry I opened the dryer and found an entire load of women’s underwear that they had left behind. I think that was what they stopped by to get the previous day, but didn’t know how to tactfully ask me abut the unmentionables with all the people unpacking boxes in my condo. Slightly embarrassed, I gathered up the panties and bras from the dryer, threw them into a trash bag and emailed the guy saying I found some more stuff that they left behind.

He didn’t get back to me for a few days, and in the meantime I had taken all my trash from the move to the curb to be thrown out. Accidentally, one of the bags I threw out was the trash bag full of his wife’s panties and bras.

So when the guy emailed me back, I panicked. I realized I didn’t say what it was that I had, so I told him that I had a stack of his mail and that he could come and pick it up if he wanted. When he stopped by I handed him a stack of random junk mail… crap that I could tell he wasn’t interested in.

Anyway, I secretly suspect that this guy knows about his wife’s underwear and he must think that I’m some kind of pervert that collects women panties like some kind of sexually deviant Japanese businessman. It was uncomfortable running into him the other night, almost as uncomfortable as a sexually deviant Japanese businessman who is wearing women's panites.

Heh heh, far out man. I haven't seen a bong in years.

2011-01-03T11:53:00.001-05:00

My New Years Resolution for 2011:

Like all cat hoarders, my New Year’s Resolution is to hoard more cats.

No talking like a grizzled 1890s prospector

2010-12-30T12:03:00.001-05:00

The shittiest show on Bravo this season: Top Chef Boyardee.

Thanks to television, I can't remember what happened eight minutes ago.

2010-12-29T13:19:00.003-05:00

There is a fine line between being nosey and being a voyeur. That line is about the length of your erection.

I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid

2010-12-29T11:10:00.002-05:00

Found outside the Smithsonian Air & Space museum in Washington, DC. "Voyage to Uranus." will be the title of my next installment of erotic Star Trek themed fan fiction.

Wow! Joseph of Arimathea! Twenty six conversions in A.D. 46.

2010-12-29T09:33:00.003-05:00

- Let this photo be a gruesome reminder to everyone: always wear protective eyewear while handling cats and lasers.

- Here is a funny Christmas story. My cat sold her catnip to buy me an electric beard trimmer for Christmas, but I unknowingly sold my beard to buy a silk pouch for my cat’s catnip.

- I feel like such a shut-in and complete loser for asking this, but what Christmas present should I buy for the house-cat that has everything?

The only thing you can't buy here is dignity

2010-12-29T09:31:00.001-05:00

Lesson learned:

I use to think that park rangers were into hiking and nature conservation and outdoorsy stuff like that. But last weekend I found out that park rangers are really into stopping me and my girlfriend from getting drunk and screwing in the woods.

A remorseless eating machine

2010-12-27T08:22:00.000-05:00

The Best of 2010 Post:

The Best Album of 2010 was the reissue of the Rolling Stones classic, Exile on Main Street. This isn’t a slight to Cee Lo Green, The Black Keys, or The Dead Weather, it’s just that Exile on Main Street is the best album ever made and the reissue was fucking awesome.

The Best Movie of 2010 is Black Swan. Well, most of the movie sucked. I only enjoyed the scene where Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman go lesbian. It was really hot. The rest of the movie is about as exciting as watching an episode of “Obsessed” but with ballet dancing.

The Best New TV Show of 2010 is The Walking Dead. This was only 6 episodes long, so it was short and sweet. But I want more, like how a zombie wants brains. Seriously, I am so happy there will be another season. I fucking love zombies.

Hottest Victoria Secret Super Model is Adriana Lima. This chick would look hot in a Snuggie.

That's all for this year folks. Let's see what 2011 has to offer.

What the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini?

2010-12-23T10:09:00.004-05:00

Here are random facts about Arby's, your favorite second-tier non-burger based fast food restaurant.

Arby’s Fact #22: Arby’s “Curly Fries” are actually straight fries that are doubled over in pain from eating at Arby’s.

Arby’s Fact #34: The Department of Social Services will place your child in protective custody if you feed them Arby’s.

Arby’s Fact #64: Even the infamous Donner Party would not have resorted to eating Arby’s.

Arby’s Fact #101: Military personnel are still forbidden to openly discuss their preference for Arby’s.

Arby’s Fact #57: Many conspiracy theorists believe Heath Ledger’s death was caused by Arby’s.

Arby's Fact #82: Feeding Arby's to prisoners of war is banned under the Geneva Convention.

Arby’s Fact #53: The website bedbugregistry.com verifies that there are no reported cases of bedbug infestation at any of the 3,688 Arby’s restaurants in the United States and Canada.

Arby’s Fact #47: Arby’s roast beef may not contain more than 20% "mob informant."

Arby’s Fact #33: According to the American Board of Veterinary Practitioners, dogs prefer the sweet tang of poisonous anti-freeze over the taste of Arby’s roast beef sandwiches.

Arby’s Fact #25: Giving an Arby’s Gift Card as a present in your office’s Secret Santa gift exchange will get you fired.

Arby’s Fact #12: If you boyfriend/Girlfriend suggests dinner at Arby’s, they are going to break-up with you.

Arby’s Fact #8: Even Arby’s fountain soda sucks.

Arby’s Fact #36: Terence Trent D'Arby’s failed career as a pop singer is blamed on the unfortunate coincidence that his name reminds people of Arby’s.

Arby’s Fact #48: North Korean dictators and pedophiles love Arby’s.

Arby’s Fact #61: Arby’s “Horsy Sauce” is flavored with children’s tears.

You may remember me from such films as "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules"

2010-11-10T08:49:00.003-05:00

This one is for the vets out there keeping America safe. Remember, we love you... but not as much as we love Brazilian supermodels. Sorry.

You call this a bicameral legislature?

2010-11-03T07:55:00.000-04:00

This weekend Rev. Jim and I will be going to see Social Distortion play in Baltimore. I think I have seen Social Distortion play 3 times already, maybe more, and I think they are one of my favorite bands to see live. I expect a great show.

Recently I have been reading “Life” by Keith Richards. I am about a third of the way through it and it is really interesting. It seems that one day they were a struggling band and the next day they were rock stars. The success of the Beatles and the Stones fed each other. Of course the Beatles did some amazing stuff in the short years they were together, such as Revolver, Sgt. Peppers and the White Album, but after the Beatles broke up the Stones stepped up and put out some of rock and roll’s best albums, Let it Bleed, Sticky Fingers and Exile on Main Street. The Stones didn’t ride the Beatles success. The Monkeys did that.

I only wish there was a Beatles autobiography to read… get on that Ringo!

Anyway, this Saturday we will be pre-gaming it at Johnny Rad’s. Or as Rev. Jim calls it – Punk Dog. It’s a ‘80s themed punk rock bar and pizza place. They have cool old skate decks on the walls and play all the shitty music I liked in high school. I hear they even have punk rock karaoke on the weekends. And the best part, $1.50 Natty Boh cans all the time!

We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call ``Frogurt''!

2010-10-29T10:04:00.004-04:00

When I was a kid my brother’s friend’s family didn’t celebrate Halloween. His parents were ultra-super-Christian and they felt that Halloween was a form of devil worshipping and forbid their son to do anything Halloween related. My brother’s friend was forbidden to participate in Halloween activities. He was excused from elementary school Halloween parties, he couldn’t eat any ill-gotten Halloween candy, and he wasn’t even allowed to watch “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” Seriously, I am not making this shit up.

The kid was an outcast for the whole month of October.

Nobody would have noticed if this kid wasn't participating, but his parents were so vocal about why he couldn't participate. His parents were hell-bent on eliminating Halloween. They wrote letters to the public schools demanding they stop having Halloween activities for the kids, they wrote letters to our neighborhood association about ending trick-or-treating and crap like that.

One Halloween my hippie parents, for whatever reason, made all of us kids skip Halloween trick-or-treating to go to my brother’s friend’s house. It was only me, my brother and sisters and my mom with the ultra-super-Christian family. We sung “Jesus loves the little children” and other stupid kid’s songs for an hour then we prayed and went home. I didn't get any Halloween candy that night, and I was pissed off!

It was about that time that I figured out Jesus is no fun and if I want candy, I better start devil worshipping. So I threw my first virgin into a volcano shortly after that and the candy has always been plentiful ever since.

Hail Satan!

Long story short - how did the religious family end up? My brother’s friend moved to Tennessee and joined a cult that steam-cleans carpets, his older sister was pregnant at 17 and dropped out of high school, his brother is gay and teaches aerobics in Dupont Circle (not that there’s anything wrong with that), and his baby sister started smoking meth and has been in and out of rehab and prison for the past 15 years. See what happens when you don’t let your kids trick-or-treat?

Happy Halloween and enjoy this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtJRNyPK-lc

Hi

2010-10-07T10:53:00.001-04:00

Sorry I've been sucking with the blogging duties. Honestly, I've been busy at work. If you want to be entertained, add me as a Facebook friend. The link is over here to the right---->

It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

2010-07-22T07:37:00.003-04:00

These are the newest, and most accurate government warnings on alcohol:

GOVERNMENT WARNING: Excessive consumption of alcohol may lead to Sharpie moustaches.

GOVERNMENT WARNING: Alcohol may cause regret.

GOVERNMENT WARNING: The Surgeon General warns alcohol can cause unexplained bruises and scratches.

GOVERNMENT WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may impair your natural instinct to avoid eating at Arby’s.

GOVERNMENT WARNING: Alcohol is the leading cause of stadium riots.

GOVERNMENT WARNING: The Surgeon General warns alcohol may cause girls to go wild.

GOVERNMENT WARNING: Avoid trampolines while intoxicated.

GOVERNMENT WARNING: Alcohol may cause unplanned pregnancies.

GOVERNMENT WARNING: Excessive consumption of alcohol may be the reason why nobody likes you and why you can't keep a job.

Isn't it true that your husband consumed a ten-pound bag of flour when no other food was available?

2010-06-24T12:58:00.002-04:00

I'm about to take off for a trip to Italy for the next 3 weeks. But before I go I just wanted to say to the 5 or 6 people who read my blog thank you. July 6th will be my 5 year anniversary. While you read over my archives and realize that I've been telling the same stupid joke every year for the past 5 years, I'll be in Italy drinking wine next to some famous building or work of art.

I promise to write a bunch of new shit when I get back. I'll even post some pics of my trip.

Talk to you soon,

Del-V

Call now and receive a free T-shirt!

2010-05-27T13:24:00.002-04:00

It won't be long until Rev. Jim and I make our yearly trip to Philly for Nerd-Fest (June 12). So for all you geeks and geekettes in the greater Philly area, if you want to meet up, here is your chance. And if you don't want to meet up with me and Rev. Jim there is always Fat Spider-man. Here is Fat Spider-man and Aaron. Please note that unlike the real Spider-man, Fat Spider-man wears a fanny pack, a wrist watch, a back pack, and has Type 2 diabetes from being overweight.

Fat Spider-man wants to remind you that the real villain is sugar.

I've got two words for you: Mellow out, man.

2010-05-27T10:36:00.001-04:00

This Memorial Day weekend I'll be combing the beach with an awesome new metal detector to pick up loose change and loose women… if you know what I mean.

Live, from Hawaii's beautiful Malaki Island - We're not just for lepers any more

2010-05-18T07:45:00.001-04:00

Some bars are gay bars and some bars are straight bars. Regardless, all bars should be treated with respect.

Good luck in your trumped-up lawsuit, Dad

2010-05-11T10:00:00.002-04:00

I’m not trying to tell terrorists how to kill Americans, but it’s obvious that Middle Eastern bomb technology is faulty at best. So they should just give it up. If terrorists really want to kill a bunch of fat, lazy, hedonistic Americans, they should try baking us a bunch of extra sugary apology cakes and let our country’s propensity for diabetes do the dirty work for them.

Ceiling mirrors and video cameras sometimes see more than who is about to shoot me

2010-05-05T07:54:00.001-04:00

The best medicine isn’t laughter. The best medicine is medicine. Remember this before you fail out of med school.

He's just a good-looking rebel who plays by his own rules

2010-05-05T07:45:00.002-04:00

Shoes don’t kill spiders, people kill spiders.

Just let me make sure we're not talking about food

2010-04-29T07:26:00.002-04:00

If you are looking for another reason to watch "Modern Family" other than the obvious (see above) it's actually a pretty funny show.

Shut up, you little monsters!

2010-04-28T16:07:00.002-04:00

Love is...

exaggerating about the size of your boyfriends penis in front of his friends

My hammock. Do you understand?

2010-04-28T14:54:00.001-04:00

Love is...a Dutch Oven

Maybe I'm not getting enough... estrogen

2010-04-28T14:12:00.002-04:00

Love is... high price hookers in Las Vegas

to avoid this test, you've had smallpox, the bends, and that unfortunate bout of Tourette's syndrome

2010-04-28T13:25:00.001-04:00

Love is...

hidden in the back of your nightstand drawer, where your nosey kids can't find it.

we're getting some drive-thru, then we're doing it twice!

2010-04-28T13:19:00.003-04:00

Love is...a fucking miracle, like fucking magnets.

Oh, me-me-me, ``I want all the attention because it's MY party'', eh?

2010-04-28T09:17:00.006-04:00

Love is...

not to selling your fillings on cash4gold.com after you die.

Ivanhoe is a story about a Russian farmer and his tool.

2010-04-27T13:37:00.001-04:00

How can I find a lucrative career where I can apply my amazing Minesweeper skills?

and do you think you could dig up Al Jolson?

2010-04-27T13:29:00.004-04:00

The new Taco Bell "5 Layer Burrito" is good or bad, depending on your attitude towards explosive diarrhea.

Good news, boy! I found a pharmacy that carries leeches! Well it wasn't exactly a pharmacy... more of a bait shop.

2010-04-26T11:19:00.000-04:00

Knowing is half the battle. The other half of the battle is beating the shit out of people.

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English. Ah, Tibor, how many times have you saved my butt?

2010-04-26T11:10:00.002-04:00

There comes a point in every Emo kid’s life where he must decide between going forward with the plan to continue stretching out his earlobes further than the other freaks at the coffee shop or getting a “real” job.

I guess my Swahili's not as good as yours.

2010-04-26T10:49:00.001-04:00

My plan for this evening is to pour myself a glass of wine and then read some erotic Star Trek fan fiction.

Surly Joe's Foundation Repair

2010-04-26T08:38:00.000-04:00

Dear Steve Jobs:

Please create a smartphone smart enough to prevent me from sending embarrassing sext messages to my ex-girlfriends after a night of drinking.

Thanks,

Del-V

Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such instructional videos as ``Mothballing Your Battleship'' and ``Dig Your Own Grave, And Save!'

2010-04-26T08:31:00.002-04:00

Thank you Charlie Brown for reminding me about the about the true meaning of Lobsterfest.

I am the Angel of Death. The Time of Purification is at hand.

2010-04-26T07:58:00.002-04:00

The Earth does nothing but try to kill mankind with earthquakes, monster volcanoes, floods, mudslides and hurricanes... still the hippies want me to "save the planet." Sorry, I refuse to participate in this fake holiday. So I am writing a book of 500 Earth Day tips to stop this whole "green" movement. These are some of my better tips:

Earth Day Tip #54: Go green with Scrapple, or any recycled meat byproduct.

Earth Day Tip #101: Save a tree. Burn a tire.

Earth Day Tip #166: Go green! And remember Soylent Green is people.

Earth Day Tip #221 – DDT is very dangerous to birds and professional wrestlers who mess with Jake “The Snake” Roberts.

Earth Day Tip #266: Do not dispose of toxic chemicals and solvents by dumping them down your sink. It is safer to dump them directly into streams, lakes and oceans.

Earth Day Tip #287: Reuse plastic grocery bags by bringing empty bags to the store with you the next time you go shopping. And reuse plastic zip-top sandwich baggies by bringing empty bags with you the next time you buy weed.

Earth Day Tip #287: Buy a t-shirt that reads, “I’m not bald, it’s a solar panel for a sex machine” to show your commitment to green technology and warn others that you are a pervert.

Earth Day Tip #319: Don’t throw batteries into the trash. They are full of poisonous mercury and cadmium. Take them to designated recycling centers or just hurl them at the opposing team at any Major League Baseball game.

Earth Day Tip #336: An avocado pit, a cup of water and a couple of toothpicks are all you need to create a crappy science fair project for your child in second grade.

Earth Day Tip #349: Before you recycle your old computer, remember to clear your web browser’s cache of all your searches for “Two Girls, One Cup.”

Earth Day Tip #388: Recycle your old Facebook status updates such as, “TGIF” and “I hate Mondays.”

Earth Day Tip #414: Cut up plastic 6-pack can holders before you throw them into the trash because they kill fish and baby ducks. Of course they also kill terrorists… so it’s up to you.

Earth Day Tip #444: Try to convince your girlfriend that latex condoms aren’t biodegradable. She probably knows you are full of shit, but it’s totally worth a try.

Earth Day Tip #498: You know what girls think about guys who have big carbon footprints? They have big carbon wangs.

Dad, what's the point of this story?

2010-04-19T09:12:00.003-04:00

Things I did this weekend:

Hung out with my little brother
Went to the gym twice
Got a new camera with a zoom lens
Stalked Adriana Lima
Watched the Caps game
Did some laundry
Went to 5 Guys with Rev. Jim
Watched reruns of The Colbert Report on my DVR

He's the boy you love to hate!

2010-04-16T13:23:00.001-04:00

I want to pull a practical joke on my brother, but I need to get some advice first. I am going to tell my brother that I heard there is an escaped mental patient who dresses up like a clown and kills people. Then, a few days later, call one of those birthday-party clowns and tell them to go to my brother’s house for a kid’s birthday party and watch him freak out when he sees the clown at the door. My only question is, if my brother shoots the clown, which he should because clowns are scary, am I in any way culpable?

Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three R's. Reading TV Guide, um... Writing to TV Guide, um... and Renewing TV Guide.

2010-04-16T13:20:00.001-04:00

I’m not into cougars – I just have a fetish for women wearing “mom jeans.”

That's not a Bible; that's a book of carpet samples

2010-04-09T11:22:00.003-04:00

It's Opening Day here in Baltimore and you know what that means, another year of disappointment. As a life-long Orioles fan I've become numb to the fact that the only good things to come out of Baltimore in the past 10 years has been The Wire and heroin. The only positive thing I can say is at least I'm not a Nationals fan... at least not yet.

He has the demented melancholy of a Tennessee Williams heroine!

2010-03-18T07:34:00.003-04:00

Fun facts about St. Patrick’s Day:

McDonalds Shamrock Shakes only contain 10% shamrock.

St. Patrick is the patron saint of Beer Pong.

Cops in Boston will not arrest you on St. Patrick’s Day for public urination as long as you are wearing green.

On St. Patrick’s Day in 1956, 20,000 gallons of bleach was dumped into the Chicago River, making it crystal clear. Once Chicago residents saw what was on the bottom of the Chicago River, they switched back to green dye in 1957.

In New York City, it is illegal to play the bagpipes except during the St. Patrick’s Day parade and during Police/Fire Fighter funerals.

St. Patrick drove the snakes out if Ireland. Alcoholism drove the teeth out of Shane MacGowan’s mouth.

ESPN Classic only airs reruns of Notre Dame winning the 1988 Fiesta Bowl on St. Patrick’s Day.

A traditional Irish breakfast consists of a bowl of Lucky Charms and a dozen pints of Guinness.

St. Patrick’s Day is the day most of the nations late-night drunk phone calls to ex-girlfriends occur.

In Ireland, the day after St. Patrick’s Day is called, “Beg Your Boss for Your Old Job Back Day.”

Poison pizza

2010-03-16T11:56:00.002-04:00

Yesterday Rev. Jim. was on a train back to DC from New York. He was texting me about some hipster doofus sitting near him. The hipster doofus was drinking beer out of a paper bag like a homeless man. The problem Rev. Jim had is that people can drink beer on the train. In fact, they fucking sell beer on the train for you to drink.

I can't do Rev. Jim justice, but he said something like:

"I hope one day there will be a way for breweries to brew beer that tastes like beer sipped out of an over-sized Heineken bottle hidden inside a paper bag… but in a can."

Then he also said he got drunk on mojitos at the TGI Friday's in Grand Central Station and wondered why we don't hang out at TGI Friday's in Columbia. Then I reminded him that TGI Friday's sucks. I'm sure he will agree this morning, now that he's sober.

We got beets!

2010-03-12T09:25:00.003-05:00

Spoiler Alert - at the end of Dan Brown’s book, “The Da Vinci Code” the secret to eternal life is: up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.

You know, I thought I'd never find a replacement for my `Where's the Beef?' bumper sticker

2010-03-11T08:55:00.003-05:00

7 things I have in common with grizzly bears:

- we both live a solitary lives
- we both prefer being left alone to live in the woods far away from human civilization
- we both live in caves
- we both enjoy eating a natural diet of honey, roots, nuts, wild berries and salmon
- we both weigh about 1,200 pounds
- we both hibernate for the winter
- we both enjoy killing campers and hikers

I just want attention

2010-03-10T14:15:00.002-05:00

When I lived in Italy I found out there were some things that just couldn’t translate from English to Italian. Take TV shows. Italians love American TV shows and many of our American TV shows are translated into Italian. In Italy “Knight Rider” is called “Supercar,” “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” is called “Willie,” and “The Cosby Show” is called “Dr. Huxtable and Kids.” “Bay Watch” is still called “Bay Watch,” I guess that translates pretty well.

I lived in a dorm with about 30 Italian kids. My Italian was bad. Their English was bad. This was by design, in this situation I was forced to learn Italian if I was going to live in Italy. After living in Italy for about 2 months I had the vocabulary of a 6 year old. I could talk to be understood but I lacked the ability to express myself fully. And sometimes, you learned that words just didn’t translate.

One night we were eating dinner and one of the Italian girls asked me what college was like in America. I said I lived in a house on my college campus with about 35 guys. I said we study a lot and on the weekends we like to drink beer, have parties, play SEGA and watch TV.

She paused and repeated… you play SEGA… with your friends?

Yeah, I said, me and my friends play SEGA all the time.

There was an awkward silence… then all 30 of the Italian kids started to laugh hysterically. Suddenly I was in the middle of an unintentional stand-up comedy routine. I thought they were laughing because, as far as I could tell, Italians weren’t that into video games and I was. I must have sounded like all I do is eat drink and play video games. I thought they were laughing at our lethargic American lifestyles. I don’t know why I kept talking, but I did.

I play SEGA all night, every night.

Some times I’ll sleep through my alarm in the morning because I didn’t get any sleep from playing SEGA. And when I do wake up in the morning my thumbs hurt (and I stuck both of my thumbs up like The Fonz from “Happy Days”).

Some times we have SEGA hockey tournaments and there will be 8 guys on the sofa playing SEGA for hours. And we gamble on who wins.

The Italian kids were laughing so hard they were falling out of their chairs and rolling on the floor. They were turning purple because they were not able to breath. Tears were streaming from their eyes. I had no idea what was so funny.

What, you don’t play SEGA here?

No, one guy laughed, we have sex with women.

What a fucking country, they are too busy having sex to play video games. No wonder they were laughing at me (and so thin). After that everyone left the dinner table and left me sitting there all alone. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out what was so hilarious. When I was walking back up to my dorm room the kids were giving me the double thumbs up and laughing.

Surgio lived in my floor. He spent his summers with his extended family in New Jersey and spoke perfect English. He came into my room and said that was the funniest thing he has ever heard. He also told me that in Italian, SEGA means “to saw” and that it’s slang for jerking off. Now it made sense.

I was mortified.

But sadly, if the shoe was on the other foot, I’d laugh at the masturbating foreigner too.

"To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key?

2010-03-04T10:45:00.002-05:00

Adriana Lima stuff aside, this is what makes me happy - watching great basketball and watching my boys from the University of Maryland beat up on #4 Duke.

I sat through the early season games against teams and schools that I never heard of. Schools like Winston-Salem State, Charleston Southern, Florida Atlantic and Longwood. Seriously, Longwood - who named that school, Bevis and Butthead? But once the ACC season starts the atmosphere gets charged. Every win makes you high, and every loss makes you nauseous. This is my crack. I crave this all winter long.

The last 3 home games have been barn burners, a buzzer-beater win over GA Tech, a come from behind win against Clemson and last night, a win against ESPN favorite Duke. It's worth the $700 I shell out every season. Well, at least when they have a good season.

Now that the season is winding down I'm going to need to find something to do with my free time. Like stalk Adriana Lima...

You can't outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folk in the world. Just look at the way they sucker regular folk with their crooked games.

2010-03-04T10:25:00.001-05:00

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

– a short essay by Del-V

I spent my summer lurking in the bushes outside Adriana Lima’s house.

The End

Mr. Plow

2010-02-12T14:45:00.002-05:00

This is my house in Baltimore. The pile of snow on the left is my car. I'm sick of snow. Very sick of snow.

Perfect teeth. Nice smell. A class act, all the way.

2010-02-02T14:53:00.002-05:00

Happy Super Bowl week.

FYI - In rare cases, stalking a supermodel is justified.

Don't worry, I am well protected.

2010-01-26T07:55:00.001-05:00

From marriedtothesea.com

We interrupt this public affairs program in order to bring you a football game.

2010-01-21T09:25:00.003-05:00

I don't know much about women, but I do know one important fact: telling my date about my apartment's rampant scabies infestation is always a deal breaker.

Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy?

2010-01-21T07:42:00.002-05:00

I don't know much about women, but I do know one important fact. Do not show your new girlfriend the outfit you have been making out of human skin until sometime after your 7th date together.

Oooooh... Waffle runoff...

2010-01-20T18:05:00.005-05:00

I don't know much about women, but I do know one important fact. Women are not interested in my vast collection of rare Star Wars memorabilia and action figures.

Snowball II

2010-01-19T19:57:00.001-05:00

Cleo

2001-2010

Are there any jive-talking robots in this play?

2010-01-07T15:40:00.003-05:00

Some times I see things on www.marriedtothesea.com that crack me up. Check it out for yourself. Fine, don't believe me. Go fuck yourself.

One size fits all my butt!

2010-01-04T14:35:00.002-05:00

Del-V’s Top 10 news events of the last decade:

10. Global Warming
9. Adriana Lima is pregnant
8. The rise and fall of Paris Hilton
7. Housing bubble bursts
6. Patriots win Superbowl(s)
5. Adriana Lima weds
4. Michael Jackson dies
3. President Obama elected
2. 9/11/2001
1. Adriana Lima is hot

If I break, buy a new one!

2010-01-04T12:20:00.001-05:00

Happy New Years everybody. Well, unless you are Chinese and the New Year begins in February. If you are Chinese, please except my very, very very early New Years wishes.

I'm sure you won't enjoy it. There's nothing about bowling in the play. Oh wait, there is.

2009-12-22T09:09:00.002-05:00

I asked the guy behind the register at the hardware store, “Are these the only snow shovels you have left?”

“These are the cheapest, there are more expensive shovels in the back,” he said pointing to the rear of the store.

“Twenty-two bucks? That’s kind of a lot.”

“Well, you’ll have it for next year.”

“Next year I’m moving to south Florida so I never have to see snow again.”

“I couldn’t move there. I love this weather.”

“I’d love this weather too of I was making a fortune selling over-priced snow shovels to idiots like me.”

For God's sakes, you can pull the lid off your own can of pudding!

2009-12-21T14:07:00.001-05:00

This should have been my Christmas card photo in 1982.

Oh, forget about it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic!

2009-12-14T13:25:00.003-05:00

Rev. Jim found this gem at the local "5 and Below" store. It's the Tiger Woods PGA Tour Family DVD Game. The best caption wins a trip for two to Las Vegas.*

*Some restrictions apply.

Tonight, my reign as Miss American Girl comes to an end, and I'd like to apologize one last time for my unfortunate remarks at the United Nations

2009-12-10T07:47:00.003-05:00

If UFOs are real I hope alien scientists have invented some sort of space-age orange drink that tastes better than Tang. Seriously, Tang sucks.

Dear Mom and Dad. I no longer fear Hell because I've been to Kamp Krusty.

2009-12-08T08:01:00.004-05:00

Every time the weatherman forecasts snow everyone in town rushes to the supermarket and stocks up on water, milk and toilet paper. I just stock up on shotgun shells. If I want some fucking toilet paper, I’m going to get some fucking toilet paper and your case of bottled water isn’t going to stop me.

For you fat kids, my exclusive program of diet and ridicule will really get results!

2009-12-07T14:21:00.004-05:00

I'm only slightly terrified of clowns.

Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World War II ended! We won!

2009-12-02T14:58:00.003-05:00

1981

2009

In a perfect world Steve Perry would still be the lead singer of Journey.

Somebody put a torch to these permanent records

2009-12-02T13:55:00.002-05:00

My hobbies include amateur backyard wrestling, meth production, and getting women pregnant.

Now let's trash this dump!

2009-12-02T10:25:00.003-05:00

The holiday season gives me a chance to spend time with my family and reminds me why my family sucks.

Wow, that really took my mind off those awful transforming space mutants

2009-12-01T15:27:00.002-05:00

Here is a fucked-up Christmas story:

There was a lady at work who got a really exotic and expensive kitten from her boyfriend as a Christmas gift. After Christmas she couldn’t find the cat. She suspected the cat somehow escaped from her house and one of her neighbors took it. She put up fliers, offered rewards, basically anything she could to try to find her cat. Eventually she gave up.

Well, she found her kitten almost one year later. Apparently the cat crawled inside one of those jumbo plastic storage bins and was packed away with her Christmas decorations. Don’t get your hopes up; there wasn’t any Christmas miracle here folks. The cat was dead and stunk only the way a dead animal trapped inside an air-tight plastic bin for the past 11 months could smell.

Now go to Grant Miller’s blog and vote for me for “Dullest Blog.”

Ah, lamentably no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satieties

2009-11-24T08:36:00.003-05:00

I just read Catherinette’s story about workplace bathroom use. It reminded me of a story about a guy who worked with me at my boring job right out of college. I worked as an insurance claim adjuster. In the two years I worked here I went from an entry level position to a division manager and was on route to become a VP by the time I was 25. I’m not the smartest person you’ll ever meet; I mean you have read my blog, haven’t you? But I was head and shoulders above the miscreants they hired. I guess the cream will always rise to the top no matter what.

This is getting off track here, back to the story. When I was working at the insurance company there was a guy who would destroy the bathroom. We called him Das Boot. Das Boot got his name because for the 3 years I worked there he wore a prosthetic boot – like the kind people wear for a few weeks after they break their foot. He just wore it for years and not weeks.

Das Boot was a weird guy. He didn’t talk to anyone. He had mild Tourette’s Syndrome and would grunt and twitch pretty often. Another strange thing about Das Boot is that he only ate microwave popcorn. He ate bags and bags a day, every day. I don’t know if people outside the popcorn factories have caught “Butter Lung” but this guy is a high risk candidate. Das Boot is one of the many reasons why I can’t eat popcorn to this day.

I guess microwave popcorn must be high in fiber, or something, because Das Boot was always on the can taking a shit. His shits would stink up the whole lobby area and he would regularly clog up the toilets. If you went into the bathroom you would see his boot under the stall door, maybe you would hear him grunting and then it wouldn’t be long before you smelled the foulest smell possible. You know that smell at Exit 10 on the New Jersey Turnpike? It smelled just as unholy but in a confined area. By the smell of things Das Boot may have been refining petroleum in his colon.

Because Das Boot would clog the toilets the facilities guys were almost always closing the men’s room in our lobby. The only other bathroom in the building was in the wing of the building that a printing company occupied. At first, the printing company’s bathroom was unlocked… but after Das Boot devastated their men’s room a few times, they installed a combo lock on their bathroom doors. Smart move!

Cath’s story reminded me of the times I would see people from my insurance company over on the print shop’s side of the building. I knew exactly why they were there. And as embarrassing as it was, it was more embarrassing to be Das Boot - the subject of multiple meetings regarding the "men's room situation" and the reason why microwave popcorn was no longer sold in the break-room vending machine.

How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.

2009-11-17T11:16:00.003-05:00

Adriana Lima has a baby girl.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/11/16/adriana.lima.baby/index.html

She told my baby we'd danced 'till three. Then she looked at me. Then showed a photo of a baby cryin'. His eyes were like mine. Come on dance on the floor in the round.

Hey, landlord! Some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door, and put on an eviction notice!

2009-11-12T10:44:00.003-05:00

At what point does liking Brazilian lingerie models become a fetish?

I stand on my record. Fifteen crashes and not a single fatality.

2009-11-10T07:39:00.000-05:00

My dad wanted to go car shopping with me. It was against my better judgment, but I took him with me anyway – I love my dad, but he’s getting weirder as he’s getting older. We went to a few dealers and drove a few different kinds of cars. He heard squeaks and rattles in every car I test drove. For a guy who lost 50% of his hearing over the past few years, he was able to hear sounds I wasn’t able to hear.

While I was driving he pushed every button and flipped every switch. He shook every handle and tugged every latch possible. I know he’s trying to make sure I don’t buy another shitty car, but he was going overboard.

I had just driven a Honda Accord and told my dad that this was the car I was going to buy.

When we got out of the car at the dealer’s lot he told me to pop the hood. We both stood there staring at the engine and other internal parts of the car without any idea about what we were staring at.

“What am I looking for?” I asked.

Dad said, “You want to see if the people who drove this car before you abused the engine.”

We stood there for another minute staring blankly at the parts under the hood before I asked.

“Dad, when did you become this car’s court appointed social worker?”

We salute you, our half-inflated Dark Lord!

2009-10-29T15:20:00.002-04:00

I've been shopping for a new car. Let me share my 5 tips for buying a new car:

1. Fuel efficiency, insurance rates and repair costs should be a factor in your decision. These are the hidden costs of any car you purchase. I have found that other hidden costs will include multiple drunk driving tickets, attorney's fees, and alcohol management classes.

2. Shop around! Or, if you are too lazy to shop around, go to the dealer that advertises on your local TV station with the catchiest jingle or features your favorite local professional athlete...well... unless the local professional athlete in the commercial lied to Congress about using steroids or was wanted for murder. Now that I think about it, don't go to any car dealership endorsed by any athlete playing in Baltimore. Just go to the dealer with the catchiest jingle or drive to DC.

3. Remember, as a man, the car you drive doesn't just represent your financial status, it represents your masculinity. So buy the most expensive and largest car possible. That way women will know that you are rich and have a giant penis. And if that convince the ladies, drive around nude with a suitcase full of $100 bills.

4. Safety is an important factor in buying a new car for some shoppers. However I since I have sex with prostitutes at the Greyhound Bus station without wearing a condom, I'm not going to preach to you about safety and I will preach to you about the importance of penicillin in another blog entry.

5. Zero percent financing and dealer incentives are just gimmicks to lure the uneducated car shopper into the showroom. Avoid shopping with gimmicky dealers and only buy a car from reputable dealers with giant inflatable animals in front of their showroom. Who can't trust a dealer with a pair of 20 foot gorillas in front of their showroom? Not me!

It cost me 50,000 Bazooka Joe comics!

2009-10-27T12:54:00.002-04:00

The eleven most rocking-est months after Rocktober:

1. Rockvember
2. Rockcember
3. Rocknuary
4. Rockruary
5. Rockarch
6. Rockpril
7. May Zeppelin
8. Rockune
9. Rockuly
10. Rockugust
11. Rocktember

You're forgetting the first two noble truths of the Buddha

2009-10-19T09:09:00.003-04:00

I’ve tried for the longest time possible to try to keep my piece of shit car alive. I did a pretty good job keeping an American made economy car road worthy for the past 14 years. My car doesn’t have air conditioning, it hesitates to start when it is wet and will not start in the rain, the AM/FM radio barely works, the trunk lock is broken so the trunk is useless, the shocks and struts are dead so it rides like a go-cart, the seats are uncomfortable and make your back hurt, and now, after all these years, the clutch is broken and my car can’t go into reverse or 1st gear. Rather than fix the most obvious issue – the clutch – I have decided it is time to buy a new car.

The cons for buying a new car are that, for reasons unknown, still gets about 40 miles per gallon (which is why it didn’t qualify for “Cash for Clunkers”). Also, since I moved downtown, I really don’t drive except to visit friends and family outside Baltimore and to go to the supermarket.

So I am going to go car shopping this weekend. The good news is I’m not in a rush to buy anything, so I can shop around and test-drive a bunch of cars. This should be fun. In case this doesn't sound like fun to you, I have included a photo of Brazilian super-model, Adriana Lima.

I can feel her sweet country soul in every digitally-encoded bit

2009-10-13T13:57:00.002-04:00

Just so you get it correct, it isn’t that I don’t want to blog, it’s just that I don’t have time to blog. You see my cushy government job doesn’t give me free time to do the fun things that other people get to do at work, such as check out their fantasy football teams, look for porn, or even illegally down load music/movies from Russian sites. No, when I’m at work I have to work. This is why I blame you all for voting for government accountability. Now I have to produce things to justify my ridiculous salary. Damn Democrats.

Anyway, Saturday was a great day. Rev. Jim came over and we went to the Baltimore Comic Book Convention, and yes I have some photos I will post later. Unlike the Philly convention center, the Baltimore convention center has low ceilings and is poorly ventilated. We arrived early but before too long, the stench of nerds was too overpowering and we had to leave the building. We were there for less than an hour.

It was almost noon, and we both were hungry, so we went to Federal Hill for lunch. We got subs and a few beers. Then the bartender gave us a few shots... then a few more... and the next thing I knew it was 11:00 at night and I was pretty drunk. Eleven hours of binge drinking was just what I needed.

During this time Rev. Jim and I saw about 15 college football games, discussed the history of modern music, and invented the Mexican Astronaut. The Mexican Astronaut is 2 ounces of rail tequila, 2 ounces of Red Bull and a spoon-full of powered Tang drink mix (stir well and serve chilled). Also we drank a lot of Patron Café. That stuff rocks. It tastes like candy.

I don’t know why but when we left the bar we both had the same issue, both my and Rev. Jim’s elbows were blistered and sore from resting them on the bar for several hours. I don’t know if it is possible to catch syphilis from a bar, but that’s what my elbows look like -- and this is Baltimore -- so you never know. So if you see me at the free clinic with scabby elbows, you'll know why I'm there this time.

I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world: Doggie heaven.

2009-09-30T09:24:00.003-04:00

According to this article, by 2050 Japan's population could fall as much as 25%. The Japanese Prime Minister, Yukio Hatoyama, has suggested plans to increase the population by subsidising the cost of daycare, providing tuition aid for education, and having health insurance cover fertility treatments.

Of course the easiest way for Japan to boost their population is to just fuck more.

I'm tired of this conversation. Let's talk about something else. I'm going home.

2009-09-28T09:06:00.002-04:00

This is a story just to fill space. It’s not funny. You can stop reading it now. Sadly, these are actual events of my boring life and nothing has been embellished. The only reason I am posting this is so you people in the blog-o-sphere won’t think I died in a car accident or something. All is fine. Again, if you don't want to be bored, stop reading now.

You have been warned.

*****

The football gods gave me an omen of things to come Saturday morning. While I was driving to College Park to watch the Maryland game I had a blow-out on I-95. So I pulled off the highway and onto the shoulder of a ramp. My tire had blown out in three places. I thought this was going to make me a little late for the tailgate, but no big deal. I could change a tire in 10 minutes. Piece of cake.

Wrong.

While I was changing the tire I broke the fucking lug wrench. I snapped it right in half. That’s the disadvantage of being freakishly strong, you break all kinds of shit by accident. And now with out a wrench to get the nuts off (twss), I was going to be really late.

Lucky for me I was in Columbia, so I called Rev. Jim to give me a hand. He pulled thru like a champ. I put on the donut, went to the tire store to get a replacement tire, then went to Advanced Auto for a new 4-way lug wrench. All in all, this took about 4 hours. There was time for me to go to the game, but I was covered in brake dust (seriously, that shit gets everywhere) and I really wanted to go home, change and take a shower.

Like I said, it was an omen. My Terrapins got blown out by Rutgers and it rained the whole game. Plus if my tire would have blown out while I was driving back in the rain and after a few beers I probably could have killed someone. Maybe things happen for a reason. Also, I owe Rev. Jim lunch at the awesome Mexican restaurant in Columbia for his AAA-like roadside assistance.

I hope you enjoyed the story of my boring life. I'll tell you some funny internet dating stories next time.

I'll be frank with you Lisa, and when I say frank, I mean, you know, devastating.

2009-09-17T16:11:00.003-04:00

Great news - the pain in my legs is the result of a degenerative disk disorder and not blood clots as originally thought. So I'm not going to die from a stroke. Instead I'm going to live a lot longer, just in excruciating pain.

Here is a photo of Adriana Lima to make me feel better.

Swim, play tennis, or just sit and stare at the walls

2009-09-04T10:59:00.000-04:00

Yesterday my sister coined a new phrase – iWTF. It’s when you have your iPod set to shuffle and it plays a song you know for a fact you did not add, or even like. And she used “Roseanna” by Toto as the example of iWTF.

Coming up next, a super set of songs about clouds...

2009-08-21T10:54:00.002-04:00

People who look like things.

Golden Marmoset

Ray Lamontagne

I might have mixed this up. I can't tell them apart for the life of me.

Double baloney! Double baloney! Don't forget to make it baloney because you can hardly taste the baloney...

2009-08-15T17:44:00.003-04:00

Good news! I got my internet connection back. To celebrate, here is a photo of Adriana Lima:

Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible

2009-08-13T08:54:00.004-04:00

Report: Cheney felt Bush stopped taking his advice (AP)

Former Vice President Dick Cheney believes his old boss, President George W. Bush, gradually turned away from his advice during their second term in the White House, showing a surprising independence as he started taking more flexible positions on a range of issues, The Washington Post reported Wednesday.

Some of Cheney’s advice President Bush did not follow includes:

- Rebuilding the Death Star
- Ordering the massacre of all of America’s first born sons

- Throwing virgins into a live volcano to appease the Dark Lord
- Weekly blood-orgies in the White House Rose Garden
- Signing top-secret pact with the Legion of Doom
- Nuking that punk, Al Gore
- Waterboarding disobedient pets and children

- Killing James Bond

- Building a machine to block the sun

- Sending a robot back in time to kill Sarah Connor

So call me now! $5 for the first minute, $2 for each additional minute!

2009-08-06T10:07:00.003-04:00

“Excuse me, is the next stop Baltimore?”

“Yeah, Camden Yards” I said. I could see from the blank way he looked at me this nerd was oblivious to baseball. “Downtown Baltimore, final stop. You can't miss it.”

Out of the blue the nerd blurted out, “You know, I don’t appreciate living in a fascist state.”

“What… what are you talking about?” At first I thought I had said something to offend him.

“The fascists at Amtrak wanted me to show them my driver’s license when I was buying my ticket. I told them I don’t appreciate living in a fascist state and they called security on me.”

You could hear the excitement in his asthmatic voice.

I immediately realized I had a real live weirdo in front of me so I tried to coax him into giving me the details. “Really? They called security on you?”

“Amtrak wanted to see my drivers’ license because they wanted to put my information into “the grid.” That’s why those fascists wanted to see my drivers’ license. But I won’t let them play their fascist games. Then they tried to bully me with the security guard.” He was getting riled up and breathing heavy.

There was an awkward silence as stared at him in amazement. He started to stare blankly out the train window. I could tell his daily limit of human interaction was almost up. I had minutes until the train reached Baltimore. I wanted a story. This nerd was too weird and I didn't want him to zone out on me now. I wanted to open Pandora’s Box.

“Tell me more about “the grid”.”

He began to rant, “The government keeps track of everyone electronically on "the grid". They know where you are going, who you are talking to on the phone, what you buy at the grocery store. It’s fucking bullshit. And I won’t let them bully me. When I stand up to protect my identity the government sends in their muscle to try to bully me. I won’t let them play their fucking game and they hate it. I know what they are trying to do and I won’t stand for it.”

He started to stare out the window and was beginning to zone out again. I could tell talking to me for this long was more than he could stand.

Thinking fast I said, “Why do you think the government wants to collect information on people? That’s bullshit!”

“The government is run by fascists and they want to know everything about you. It’s a fucking scam. It’s total bullshit. The government wants you to think they are trying to protect you but they are secretly trying to hurt you. Then, if you don’t play their game or go off “the grid” they send their bullies out to get you.”

Fuck. The train stopped and he got up and put on his giant camping backpack.

“Where is the metro to Towson?” the nerd asked.

“It’s right across the platform over there,“ I pointed. “Hey, Baltimore is a rough town. I wouldn’t talk to anyone on the metro if I were you. You could get yourself killed.”

“Fucking fascist bullies,” He said as he stepped off the train, “That’s total bullshit.”

The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents

2009-08-05T09:53:00.002-04:00

Did you see this in the news - Bill Clinton went to North Korea and picked up two hot Asian girls and brought them home to the US. I’m not trying to sound like a hater, but I lived in Ellicott City for years and I haven’t gotten so much as a phone number form a hot Asian girl. Do I need to rescue an Asian woman from 14 years of hard labor in order to get a first date? Because I'll do it.

And when did Bill Clinton become Hugh Heffner? That fucking bastard.

Yeah, I sound like a hater.

First, let me assure you that this is not one of those shady pyramid schemes you've been hearing about. No sir. Our model is the trapezoid!

2009-08-03T14:19:00.001-04:00

Rev. Jim drank too much last Saturday night. It’s Monday and he’s still feeling hungover. I can only hope this makes him feel a little bit better. I’ll write more tomorrow.

Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician!

2009-07-30T15:01:00.002-04:00

I almost forgot the mission statement!

Thanks for the reminder Rev. Jim!

Be sure to get this punched every time. The tenth wedding is on the house.

2009-07-30T12:29:00.001-04:00

Punk rockers have some of the best names in the music industry. There is Iggy Pop, Sid Vicious, and Captain Sensible. Then there was Glen Danzig, Jello Biafra, Klaus Fluoride, and Dr. Know. I thought of the best punk rock name ever and as soon as I get a band together I will known as Al Mike Hunt.

Say it 5 times real fast: Al Mike Hunt.

I heard radiation can make you sterile

2009-07-30T11:19:00.003-04:00

You may have received spam about “work-at-home” opportunities where you could make thousands of dollars a year without setting foot in an office. You may also realize that these jobs are scams. But here is a list of the top 10 most lucrative “work-at-home” jobs that do not require a high school diploma -- perfect your your dumb ass:

10. Organ Donor
9. Unlicensed Day-Care Provider
8. Offshore Poker Player
7. Credit Card Phisher/Computer Hack
6. NIGERIAN PRINCE SPAMMER WITH $3,500,000 US MONEY
5. Prostitute
4. Day Trader
3. Surrogate Mother
2. Welfare Recipient
1. Meth Lab Technician

Those were idealistic days... The candidacy of John Anderson, the rise of Supertramp, it was an exciting time to be young...

2009-07-29T17:42:00.001-04:00

The idea of universal healthcare is a hot topic right now. To be honest, I am very much against it. No, it’s purely personal and nothing political. Although I do find it stupid that the government thinks that by taxing the rich they can somehow stop death from taking someone’s life. But we all know that the politicians are only doing this to please the old and the poor because they are two largest groups who vote because the rest of the USA has to work on Election Day.

Like I said, this is personal, not political. The healthcare plan will really benefit the poor and the old. Seriously I hate the old and the poor. And don’t get me started on poor old people. I hate them the most. Go ahead, look me in the eyes and tell me that you are for keeping the poor and the old alive. You know you don’t like them either. I may be an asshole, but I’m not a liar.

Now, I’m not saying its right to kill the old and the poor, but if a few of them started to disappear we both know they wouldn’t be missed that much. The old and the poor are a lot like the un-adoptable dogs at the pound, they smell weird, they bite, and they are always pissing on themselves. So why should we be taxed to keep these abominations alive? The vet actually is doing un-adoptable dogs a favor by giving them a lethal injection just to put them out of the misery. Yet when we do this to pathetic old and poor people, the court calls it murder.

Back in the old days, when a person no longer was able to contribute to society, that person would starve to death. It was just the law of nature. But in today’s society the underachiever is the most important part of our nation and it has somehow become our job to protect them and keep them healthy. I don’t know when this happened, but it did. This is why I think we are doomed as a society.

The only benefit I see to keep poor people healthy so one day in the future we can harvest their organs. However I would feel weird about having a poor persons liver inside me. Unclean. I would rather have a liver from someone from a second world nation with their own version of nationalized medicine, like Finland or Norway. You know, somewhere where I don't pay taxes.

I hope one day people come to their senses about government healthcare and decide to only give it to attractive poor girls who have the potential of “marrying up” and not just hand it out willy-nilly to every loser without a job. That would be the ultimate bi-partisan compromise.

Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test

2009-07-28T13:43:00.002-04:00

Last night I saw “No Reservations” with Anthony Bourdain. Last night’s episode was about the Rust Belt and he visited Baltimore, Detroit and Buffalo. Well, the people are commenting on this episode on the Baltimore Sun’s website. People don’t like “the Wire” approach of Baltimore. The cameras showed way too many boarded up houses and shitty streets and none of the good sides of the city.

As a guy who lives in Baltimore, I don’t think the places he visited are high on my list of “must visit” places in Baltimore, but that’s not the point of this guy’s show. He wanted to show what the average person in Baltimore eats. Sadly, the average person in Baltimore isn’t ordering a $1,000 cake from Charm City Cakes, they are eating lake trout and pit beef.

Bourdain is a douchebag. “Kitchen Confidential” was basically him bragging about how he is the Keith Richards of chefs and how everyone is an idiot except for him. I don’t buy it, but I only see him as an entertainer. Just watch the damn show and get over it, Baltimore.

If you don’t believe this is a fucked up city, turn on the evening news. Don’t get pissed off at a cook for saying what’s true.

What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?

2009-06-22T04:21:00.008-04:00

These are some photos from my trip to Dork Fest '09 in Philly. Enjoy!

These are not the dorks we are looking for

Help! Someone please get this nerd some medical attention!

God of THUNDER!!!

KITT and the Ghost Busters. How sweet is this?!

At least the nerd on the right had the decency to wear a mask and hide his shame.

Mulletor

All this fresh air and human interaction is... toxic. Must. Rest. And return. To my basement.

Did this guy really think you could be The Mighty Thor with a hammer made out of duct tape? Pretty lame.

Here is an old-school, pre-Heath Ledger Joker.

This geek on the left made a cape out of a blanket and a safety pin. No shit. I have seen children put more effort into their outfits than this man. It makes me ask the question we all are asking, why bother wearing a cape at all?

This girl is a zombie Wolverine. And she was kind of cute too. What the hell was she doing here with us geeks?

I think she is a vampire - but I don't think vampires wear masks. But that's cool because I'm totally looking down her shirt.

The only thing more alien than Chewbacca to these geeks is a girlfriend.

This was actually a pretty sharp outfit. I have nothing bad to say about it or about Captain America.

This geek is either a zombie or her was just roughed up in the parking lot for his lunch money.

In this episode of The Maury Povich Show we find out which Darth Vader is Luke's father.

This astro-nerd gets a lot of Tang!

Holy shit! KITT!!!! Hey, why does KITT have GPS in the window?

Friends, the final frontier.

Set phasers to nerd.

Hell-lo Captain!

This guy and Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons could be twins. It's either a sad coincidence or a hysterical truth.

Didn't mean to harsh your buzz, dude.

2009-06-16T14:51:00.001-04:00

I was going to blog today about getting stood up by Eddie Vedder last night. It is a pretty funny story too… I’ve already wrote half of it. But I found out late this morning that my co-worker is really sick. And not the kid of sick where you take a few days off from work and you’ll feel better kind of sick. It’s the kind of sick that you never want to hear your doctor tell you that your results are bad kind of sick. So I’m going to need to stop goofing around at work so I can get caught up and learn his job. At least until he gets better or they hire me an assistant. I can only hope both of these things happen very soon.

I don’t feel like being funny today guys… not like that’s ever stopped me.

So I’m going to save my Eddie Vedder story for later. I’ll just backdate it so it looks fresh.

Sorry about that folks.

I didn't take a bath today, and I may not take one tomorrow.

2009-06-10T10:28:00.004-04:00

Facebook is my crack. A long time ago it was blogging, but I don't really have the time to write a solid blog entry anymore... so I have been taking a different route. Writing short jokes in Facebook in my update section. Some are good, some are bad, some are blatantly ripped off of TV shows and songs, but I find them hilarious.

One thing I have noticed in the updates section is that there are a few types of people updating their status on Facebook, such as people who constantly bitch about work, people who won't shut the fuck up about Jesus and people who constantly complain about their health. And the more I hate these people the more I try to pay attention to their updates... because after all, they are my Facebook friends.

If you aren't my Facebook friend then you automatically suck dick. Here's some of what you have been missing:

There are only two types of people in the world, people who think Journey is the greatest band in the world and liars.

If loving Journey is a sin, then I’ll see you all in Hell!!!

Always remember to be to be direct and proofread every letter you write because nothing ruins the seriousness of a kidnapping like a longwinded a ransom note rife with grammatical errors and typos.

I'm stuck in traffic on the highway to hell.

Some say success is the best revenge, but I say the best revenge still is and always will be slashing someone’s tires.

In my honest opinion, the name “Lola” is suitable only for a pet Chihuahua or for a Filipino transvestite, not for a child.

I’m almost done editing the final draft of my manifesto… umm… I mean memoirs.

Just got done writing my liver a thank you card for all the hard work and overtime it put in last weekend.

My real name isn’t Del-V. I just found his drivers license and I’ve been using it to cash fake money orders at seedy liquor stores around the city.

I have lost all confidence in President Barack Obama. Why would he nominate federal appeals judge Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court and not Judge Judy? I don’t even know who Sonia Sotomayor is. Is her show on basic cable or something, because I haven't seen it.

Del-V is glad North Korea is taking the world's attention away from the reprehensible things I did this weekend.

<--May or may not wake up in a ditch this weekend.

Del-V is listening to Journey’s “Separate Ways” and thinking about you. ***wipes tear from eye***

I just became a fan of Apathy!

<-- I promise to funk, the whole funk, and nothin' but the funk.

Del-V wants to express his deepest, most intimate, feelings towards you through interpretive dance.

I just got an email inviting me to J. Crew’s Private Sale. Jealous? Of course you are. I’m part of the "in" crowd now and it will be a cold day in hell before we let people like you shop on-line with people like us. Have fun shopping at Old Navy, loser. Hahahahahaha!

The definition of taking initiative is putting on sweatpants before leaving for the all-you-can-eat buffet. Sadly, this also the definition of gluttony.

<-- My hobbies include dressing my cats up in period costumes, collectible tea pots, and sewing period costumes for my cats to dress up in

Just because I’m done with hockey for the season does not mean I’m done with MILF-y hockey moms.

Stupid Caps broke my heart. Now I’m depressed. And the best way to cure depression is with beer, which is ironically also a depressant.

Del-V was about to jump his dirtbike over some downed electrical wires until G.I. Joe told me I could get hurt. Now I know. And knowing is half the battle.

Del-V is going to have a long and accomplished future as a grouchy old man.

The Food Network is porn for fat people.

Del-V doesn't play drinking games. I take my drinking seriously.

Del-V has beaten his addiction to painkillers but not his addiction to pain

Del-V wants to end the crazy rumor that I was a former child actor. I was not Kevin Arnold’s nerdy friend Paul Pfeiffer from the show “The Wonder Years.”

Del-V’s nightmarish decent into alcoholism has been a lot more fun that expected.

Why do we require high school kids to take foreign language classes? You’ve seen Star Trek. In the future everyone speaks perfect English. Even Klingons.

Del-V wants to state that it’s not a “pandemic” until it affects my little world. Until then it’s just a bunch of sick people that I don’t know.

Del-V knows it is summertime in DC when the Metro smells like armpits and feet.

Del-V is going to drink like it's 1994.

Del-V will be done Bedazzaling his Snuggie in time for the “Infotainment Bar Craw” this weekend.

Del-V thinks you should live every day as if it were your last unless your last day plans involve a murder/suicide.

A helpful tip for people who are new viewers of the TV show “Cops” -- the guy without the shirt is ALWAYS the perp.

Del-V thinks Earth Day is a steaming pile of compost. I didn’t bust my ass in college for all those years to end up as the Earth’s janitor.

Del-V realized he’s no longer cool when the new “Playboy” arrived in the mail and the first thing he did was read the interview with Chuck Palahniuk.

Del-V asks: If God is love, and love is blind, and Stevie Wonder is blind – is Stevie Wonder really God?

Del-V thinks the "Free Credit Report.com" songs have the catchiest hooks since the Beatles.

What is it about nice, sunny days that makes me want to get drunk outside?

Del-V wonders if there is some law on the books preventing him from turning his super lame car into some sort of super cool post-apocalyptic Mad Max style assault vehicle? Or does someone with a super cool post-apocalyptic Mad Max style assault vehicle even care about laws.

Del-V wants to thank my stalker for all the lovely poetry she’s written me. I’ve never seen “Knife” and “Wife” rhymed so profoundly nor so often. You have a gift that I must share with the world - especially the detectives.

Del-V secretly wishes Norman Fell was his landlord.

Del-V new motto: when life gives you shit, make shit-ade.

I might as well face it, I'm addicted to love. And meth.

Del-V thinks time heals all wounds. Except for gunshots. You should go to the hospital for that.

Del-V is currently working with Procter & Gamble to develop a nicotine eye-patch for pirates who want to stop smoking.

Del-V set phasers to NERD!

Del-V wonders why Hollywood hasn’t made a movie that ended in a “Ski-Off” in well over 15 years.

So if you want more, add me as a friend.

Perhaps I remind you of the loveable Sergeant Schultz on Hogan's Heroes

2009-06-02T08:38:00.004-04:00

I am taking a page out of LiLu at Live it Love It’s book and I am going to give you an account of the actual conversations between me and my girlfriend, Adriana Lima. She is totally hilarious! After you read this, you’ll know why I love her. She loves to joke around.

The Shiz My Girlfriend (Adriana Lima) Says Vol. I

After her Victoria’s Secret Photoshoot:

Del-V: I love you Adriana!

Adriana: Security! It’s that stalker guy again! Help! Ouch, Let me go!

Later on that night, driving to an undisclosed location:

Del-V: I can’t wait to get married to you tonight.

Adriana: Please untie me. I can get you ransom money.

In the basement of a shack out in the woods:

Del-V: I think you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. We are going to have many, many children together.

Adriana: Please unchain me. I swear I won’t press charges. Just let me go. Please! HELP! Can anyone hear me? HELP! HELP!!!

Oh, don't worry, we still enough left to buy the Cleveland Browns

2009-06-01T08:17:00.002-04:00

I had an awesome weekend camping with my friends from high school. I have a lot of cool photos and crap like that to post, but right now I wanted to tell you a story about a kid we went to high school with that died from cancer. It’s not really that good of a story… but I’ll tell it anyway. It's never stopped me before, right?

When I was in high school there was a kid named Joe Brown. Joe played J.V. lacrosse with me and he seemed like a pretty nice guy – even thought he didn’t play varsity lacrosse, but whatever. I didn't tease him that much about it. That's because Joe was quiet, got good grades, blah, blah, blah. Joe lived on my friend Randy’s street and their families were close in a neighborly way. So I didn’t know any of this until Randy told me this story over the weekend. He heard it from Joe’s mother…

Joe had this girlfriend in high school named Jen. She was my chemistry lab partner. She was 6’6” and was really loud and annoying. In chemistry lab I did most of the work while she would blab about this and that. I basically carried her through that class.

That’s right, I am cool like that.

Joe also had a best friend names Larry. Larry was a high school entrepreneur, he ran a landscaping company and hired kids from our high school to cut grass. He was also on the high school wrestling team. I thought he was a tool. After all these years, now I know I was right.

Anyway. Like all good things, high school came to an end and I a lot of people I knew went their separate ways. I managed to keep in touch with my best friends, but my fringe friends and acquaintances disappeared. Randy told me about what happened to Joe, Jen and Larry. I’m kind of surprised I didn’t hear about this sooner.

Right after high school ended, literally the week after graduation, Joe was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The doctors said he would be lucky to make it through the summer. Randy said Jen and Larry were at his bedside every day for weeks and weeks comforting their dying friend.

But something happened between Jen and Larry, they fell in love (or lust) and were having an affair behind their sick friend’s back. They would have sex in the next room while Joe was resting after chemotherapy. They would sleep over at each other’s houses when they told their dying friend they were going home for the night. They would have quickies while Joe went to the doctor’s office. They were banging like bunnies while Joe’s cancer metastasized to his liver.

Things were getting bad for Joe and he was moved to a hospice. In the hospice Joe told Larry and Jen that he was glad to have them as his best friends and thanked then for sticking by him for the mast months. That’s when Larry dropped the bomb on him and told him all about his affair with Jen. Joe was devastated. He told them to get out of his room and that he never wanted to see them again. Which was totally true.

Joe died a few days later.

The doctors say it was from malignant tumors in his pancreas, but we all know Joe died from a broken heart.